Apr
4

How’s that working for ya?

Kenetha Stanton on April 4th, 2012

I had a bit of an epiphany recently. I was thinking about a conversation I had not long ago with a friend who had been really beating herself up (verbally). As I thought about her tendency to engage in this kind of self-talk, an unexpected question popped into my mind: “What’s she getting out of doing that?”

Because I have the same tendency myself, this immediately became a mirror to ask myself, “What am I getting (or hoping to get) out of doing that?” Ouch.

After my initial surprise at such a seemingly harsh question appearing out of nowhere had subsided somewhat, I found myself pondering the question a little more deeply. I am becoming increasingly convinced that all of our choices are made (consciously or unconsciously) in terms of what we believe will bring us the greatest benefit, so even my friend’s choice to bad-mouth herself was a choice made in terms of what she believed (unconsciously in this case, I think) would bring her the most positive result.

On the surface that seems crazy! But it really does make sense if you think about it a little bit …

As I’ve moved through this journey of transformation over the last couple of years, I have spent a good deal of time digging in my subconscious to investigate many of my patterns and the beliefs that animate them. If I really think about what motivates me to beat myself up, I find that I do have a belief that if I beat myself up first, it will keep me safe from criticism or rejection from others by beating them to the punch. In addition, I remember being warned as a child about how inappropriate it is for a woman to display self-confidence. Women like that were seen as uppity and unlikable. Therefore, if I spend my energy bad-mouthing myself, I can keep myself safe from criticism and I will be more liked (or so the belief in my head told me).

That’s pretty strong motivation to keep the self-abuse going at high pitch.

Of course, over time that became an ingrained pattern that functioned independently of the belief that conceived it, but the belief is still there. Even as I’ve worked on this, I find that saying something positive about myself out loud to another person still nearly provokes panic attack symptoms as the fear inherent in my belief system rears its ugly head. My inner gremlins throw a fit: “No one will like you if you say something that nice about yourself! You’ll seem arrogant, and then people will attack you and drag you down!”

I’ve also noticed as I really dig deep within that there is sometimes a bit of motivation in me to bad-mouth myself to other people in the hopes that this will cause them to argue with what I’ve said and thus wind up offering me praise that I desperately need to hear. (Oh, how I hate to even admit that this bit of motivation is in the mix, but it’s true.) I think I tend to come across so self-contained sometimes that people don’t realize how much I may need to hear a little bit of encouragement, and this is one method that I apparently learned somewhere along the way to get what I needed. (But at what cost!!)

The thing that has really struck me is that even though we make self-sabotaging choices like these in the belief that they will somehow benefit us, the truth is that most of the time we don’t gain the benefit we were after. Beating myself up doesn’t really keep me safe from the criticism of others. (Trust me, I have the scars to prove it!) I’m pretty sure that in the circles I run in now, it isn’t making me any more liked. And it generally doesn’t prompt others to want to encourage me. And even if it does occasionally earn me a spot of encouragement as someone tries to set me straight, it’s not worth all the downsides of what I put myself through by choosing to believe the worst about myself in most situations.

So I’m choosing based on a false belief and in the process causing myself greater harm in the pursuit of trying to bring myself greater benefit. (How’s that for convoluted?)

And you know what? That’s just not working so well for me anymore.

So I think my new mantra every time I catch myself choosing self-defeating behaviors is to ask myself, “So how’s that working for ya?” I need to not only dig down to find the beliefs that are motivating my poor choices, I need to measure the belief against the result and chuck all of those that aren’t working out the way I want them to. Life is too short to keep making self-defeating choices based on outmoded false beliefs. I’m ready to take my life back and reclaim control over my choices in order to create the life I want to live.

And the real question at the end of the day is literally “how’s that working for ya?” If whatever choice I’m making is working for me in the real world, it stays. If it’s not, it needs to change. It’s really as simple as that. I think this is going to work for me really well.

What self-sabotaging behavior do you have in your life? How’s that working for ya?

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Mar
29

The power of yoga is awareness

Kenetha Stanton on March 29th, 2012

Life has been good the last few months. Although I still have all of my usual challenges (plus a few sometimes), I continue to feel better and better about my life, about  myself, and about the way things are going. I have more energy. I feel stronger (emotionally and mentally). Opportunities keep appearing and things keep falling into place at just the right time.

As much as I am enjoying this shift, I keep noticing myself anxiously trying to pinpoint the reason behind this change. After all, if I know what is causing this improvement now, I’ll know how to hang onto it and/or repeat it in the future.

But it hasn’t been all that easy to locate the magical key to this shift I’m experiencing. For one thing, there are so many small changes I’ve made to my self-talk, my habits, my attitude, and my self care. Any or all of these things could be the cause of this shift. It’s been a positive cycle for me where each small shift makes room for another shift which makes room for yet another shift in an ever-increasing spiral of growth.

However, I did uncover one change I made that very well may be the foundation for all of the rest. I realized the other day that I started teaching yoga right after the start of the year, and that roughly coincides with the time when things started moving in a more positive direction. This may not sound like a big deal, but the discipline of teaching yoga has been the accountability I needed to re-engage in my own regular practice of yoga.

As I’ve pondered the possibility that a regular practice of yoga could the foundation for this positive spiral I’m experiencing, I have gone back to think about times in the past when I have had a regular yoga practice and times when I have not. To the best of my recollection, every time period where I have maintained a regular yoga practice has been a much more positive period of my life. Those times when I have neglected a regular practice have not been nearly as positive or as stable.

This is very interesting to me. You’d think that I would already have been aware of this connection since I am a yoga teacher. Clearly I see the benefits of yoga in my life or I wouldn’t have taken the time, money, and effort to become a certified teacher. And yet, the degree to which this is true in my life took me completely by surprise.

In this case, at least, it’s clear that there have many other choices and changes that I have made that have contributed to my current positive state, but I am also convinced that yoga provided the foundation that made all of those other choices and changes possible. The practice of yoga does so much to reconnect me to my body and to bring me back into the present moment. Although I’m sure the extra physical activity from the asanas helps, it’s truly the power of being present to my body and its wisdom and being present in the here and now that is such a transformative practice for me.

This awareness of the impact it’s had in my own life leaves me feeling ever more grateful that I have the opportunity and the honor to share this practice with others in my classes. I hear so many people say that yoga is not for them because they are not flexible enough (or strong enough or thin enough or whatever their excuse is), but it’s the awareness yoga brings that matters. Find a style of yoga or a teacher that resonates with you and give it try. You just might be as surprised as I am at what happens!

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Mar
26

Dandelions

Kenetha Stanton on March 26th, 2012

I have a love-hate relationship with dandelions.

I love them when they first appear in early spring. Their little yellow faces peeking out from every available patch of green make me smile with delight in the return of Spring and color to the Earth. Their tenacity and fierce determination to thrive under any and every possible condition encourages me.

There is something so amazing about a common weed that can be found everywhere that is both delicious to eat and incredibly good for me! If our lawns weren’t so contaminated with chemicals, I’d have an abundance of healthy food for weeks.

And then they go to seed … and I remember why I hate them.

My yard suddenly looks like an abandoned lot within hours after I mow it, as the blooms morph from cheerful yellow smiley faces to angry white mushroom clouds sending out their spores far and wide. This transformation always seems to happen overnight and catch me completely unaware.

Suddenly I find myself out stomping about the yard trying to dig up each one of them (root and all) only to notice that they have now also taken over my flower beds, the cracks in the flagstone patio, the patches of groundcover, and even the stone covered walkways. I become like an avenging angel of death in my attempt to get every last one of them, even as I know it’s a battle that is doomed to failure before I even start.

The abundance of rain the last few days is making it a bit easier than normal to get even the roots of each of these weeds as I pull them up. This makes the whole process a bit less painful than it is some years.

However, as I’ve gone about my attack on the dandelions this year, it’s prompting me to ponder the fact that so often in life the very thing we may admire about someone or something (the tenacity of dandelions) is the very same thing that later grates on our nerves about that same someone or something (they are taking over my flower beds).

I know I am guilty of forgetting the benefit of a given attribute (that was often the initial attraction) once I become aware of the shadow side of that attribute. I want the benefit without the cost, but life doesn’t work that way. Everyone and everything has its bright side and its shadow, and these are inextricably connected because the light and the shadow are so often the very same thing.

I think it may be worth taking a moment to make sure I see both the light and the shadow in any trait I notice in myself and others for a bit. It may help me to be a bit less impatient with the shadow sides I encounter.

After all, even dandelions have their bright yellow faces and their healthy, delicious greens. If I can find a bright side there, surely I can find it in myself and in others too.

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Mar
19

Daring to play BIG

Kenetha Stanton on March 19th, 2012

“You don’t need permission to shine. That’s the biggest mistake we make in life; we think we need someone’s approval to be magnificent or to just own what is true to us. But we are all not only capable of radiating light and love, it is our moral responsibility.” ~Baron Baptiste

I remember being taught as a child that I had a responsibility to use the talents that I was born with to their fullest. I was taught that the more that a person is given—in terms of talents, gifts, or opportunities—the more that person was expected to accomplish with what s/he’d been given. I remember feeling the weight of that responsibility every time I became aware of some gift or opportunity that was available to me through birth or circumstance.

However, I also learned very quickly that the more I tried to live up to my potential, the more likely the people around me would attempt to tear me back down to size. I learned young that success and accomplishment set me up for competition, ostracism, and nastiness. Even worse, I realized that being all that I could be meant hurting those that I loved if it ever made them feel like I outshone them in any way. It was clear to me that choosing to shine could cost me dearly, so I didn’t dare do so without making sure I had permission first.

This left me caught on the horns of a dilemma. On the one hand, I had a responsibility to use what I was given; on the other hand, doing so would be more costly than I could bear. So I’ve spent most of life trying to find a way to live in the middle. I’ve tried to shine just enough to feel like I wasn’t totally shirking my responsibility while also putting enormous amounts of effort into hiding the full brightness my light from everyone around me to reduce the cost.

The result of that approach has been that I have still lost many relationships with those who still found me too threatening or intimidating, AND I’ve managed to avoid ever becoming truly successful at anything I’ve tried to do. In other words, I’ve managed to find a way to wind up with the worst of both worlds!

“Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do.” ~ Marianne Williamson

As I’ve begun working toward self-employment, I’ve realized that my approach to life needs to change. I can’t continue to avoid success in the attempt to make people around me like me, accept me, or be nice to me. I need to succeed because I need to eat and keep a roof over my head. And not only that, I’m ready to live a much fuller life than I’ve dared to dream of so far! I’m ready to stop playing small. I’m ready to stop shrinking.

But it’s not easy shifting an old pattern of hiding my light into a new pattern of shining. How I am going about making this shift?

  1. First, I’m having to learn to dream again. I don’t mean the carefully edited dreams that have already been cut down to size to make sure no one feels threatened by them. I’m talking about everything-is-possible, the-sky-is-the-limit, over-the-top dreaming that comes straight from the heart. This means shutting off my practical mind for a little while (it’ll have its chance later) and imagining the biggest possible future. I’ll know when I’ve found my BIG dream because it will be the one that makes my heart sing. Of course, it’s likely to be the one that is scariest as well, so fear is not a reason not to move forward.
  2. After I’ve identified the BIG dream, then (and only then) I can let my practical mind in on the act to figure out how I will get there from here. This becomes the time for planning and putting the steps in place to make things happen.
  3. I’m working on finding people in my life with whom I can safely share my dream—people who will encourage me, support me, and hold me accountable to keep moving toward the dream when things get hard. These need to be people who are so busy shining in their own lives that they don’t have time to be threatened by anything I might do in mine. And I’m learning to keep my dreams, small successes, and accomplishments to myself unless I am confident that the person I am sharing with is one of these safe people. In the meantime, I’ve learned to celebrate myself by becoming my own greatest cheering section.
  4. I’m letting go of trying to take responsibility for other people’s reaction to me and what I do. Sure, it will still hurt if they reject me, but if they choose to let my successes make them feel bad about themselves, there’s nothing I can do about that. Even when it hurts, I’m learning to accept that their reaction is really all about them (and not about me) anyway.
  5. I’ve become extra aware of the stories and excuses I tell myself so I can catch myself as soon as I start heading toward playing small. I question my stories about what’s possible all the time to watch for my fear-based gremlins showing up to limit my thinking.
  6. I am staying focused on the BIG dream I have and how it will feel once I’ve achieved it. I imagine that future in detail every chance I get to stay connected with that desired future, including the supportive people that I dream of having around me when I get there. I feel the fear, I am aware of the resistance, but I want the dream enough to move through the fear and keeping going.

It’s still a work in progress, but I’m on my way. I’m slowly learning to dream again, and I feel more excited about life and happier than I have in years. We all have our own unique gremlins that keep us from daring to play BIG in our lives. Now that I’ve identified mine, I can choose to change.

Have you identified your gremlins? What keeps you from daring to play BIG in your life? What do you need to shift into a new way of being?

This post is part of a blog hop series sponsored by students and graduate Coaches of ICA. Please hop on over to their posts and see what else you can learn about ”Daring to play BIG.”

Kickass Website Coach: http://kickasswebsitecoach.com/play-big-business-purpose/ ‎

Intuitive Coaching: http://reneevosdewael.com/2012/03/19/daring-to-play-big/

Sylvia Gautier – Proactive Life Coaching: http://myactioncoach.wordpress.com/2012/03/19/daring-to-play-big/

Brandy Morris-Chaudhry- Illuminated Perspective: http://www.illuminatingpotential.com/2012/03/19/daring-to-play-big/

Nuria Lencina: Coach for Mamas: http://coachformamas.com/reflections/how-big-are-your-dreams/

Pamela Rudisill: In Sight Life Coaching: http://insightlifecoaching.co/2012/03/19/daring-to-play-big/

Nihad Khalil: Aurora Beams Life Coaching: http://aurorabeamslifecoaching.blogspot.com/2012/03/daring-to-play-it-big.html

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Mar
1

Being heard

Kenetha Stanton on March 1st, 2012

“When I have been listened to, when I have been heard, I am able to re-perceive my world in a new way.” ~ Carl Rogers

When was the last time you experienced the gift of having someone listen to you? I’m not talking about the last time someone heard you speak. I mean the last time someone really put their entire focus into listening to you and really hearing and understanding what you were saying. Without giving advice. Without offering criticism. Without even offering to “fix” it for you. When was the last time someone truly just listened to you?

How did it feel? Did it help you re-perceive your world afresh?

I know that, for me, being truly heard is one of the most powerful things I experience. There is something about the experience of having another person holding space and bearing witness to whatever it is that I am sharing that allows me to process my thoughts and feelings in a much deeper way than when I try to do it in my own head. Most people I talk to say the same thing.

And yet, how seldom do we take the time and effort to really listen to one another. It’s so easy to get distracted by all that we have going on in our lives, to get too busy to take the time and effort to lavish that kind of focus on another person, or to get so caught up in our own dramas and needs and that we can’t set those aside long enough to be present for someone else.

After all, as simple as hearing is—we do it all day long whether we want to or not—listening takes real effort. To let go of our own agendas long enough to be completely engaged and curious about another person is something that takes practice. It takes energy, intense focus, and a great deal of curiosity about how other people work.

Listening is one of the things that a coach brings to the coaching relationship. Because the agenda for the coaching sessions always belongs the client, the coach can listen in a way that those closer to us seldom can because the coach is not worrying about how your decisions and choices will effect her own life. The coach trusts that you already have all of your own answers, so there is no need for her to try to tell you what to do. She just listens and asks questions to draw you deeper into the space where you can re-perceive your own life in a way that makes your answers clear.

If you’re feeling stuck and can’t seem to unearth the answers you have buried deep inside, consider finding someone with a gift for listening to hold space and listen to you. This may be a friend, a relative, a partner, or even a coach. Whoever you choose, make sure that person is able to set aside their agenda long enough to really focus on holding space and listening to you with nonjudgmental curiosity. You just might find the space to re-perceive your world in a way that makes it possible to see the way forward.

And next time you are spending time with someone you know who is stuck, consider practicing the skill of listening to them with agenda-free curiosity. There’s nothing like holding that sacred space while someone else find their way. Give it a try!

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